Welcome to Messy Mondays!
It's July. Somehow, a third of my summer is gone. Well, no, counting May, it's half gone. Time keeps flying by, even though day by day, it doesn't seem much faster than it usually is. Of course, time is always moving at the same time, but I hope you know what I'm saying. Anyway, now that it's July, there are a few things on my mind:
1. We're less than a month from moving out of our house. For all my mom talks about emotionally distancing herself from the home we've lived in for the past twelve years, I have done no emotional distancing. I've been spending far too much time sitting in our house, playing piano, reading, thinking, trying to write (and failing, most often). I know this isn't my full time home now that I'm off in Williamsburg for most of the year, but still, I've lived in this house longer than any house ever. I don't even remember our house in Virginia when I was a baby, and the one in Western Springs that we moved out of when I was seven is a distant memory. This is the house I remember.
2. My summer at the church is half over. I always knew it was a two-month thing, but now that one of those months has already flown by, I can't believe how short two months is. I don't want it to be over. Here's where it gets complicated. The thing is, it's time for me to be back on campus learning. After a month and a half of summer, I'm tired of not learning. I don't think I've ever said that in the history of me being a student, ever. But I also want to keep interning at the church. So I'd like either the church to come with me to Williamsburg or all of my professors trek on out to Chicago for the summer and teach me here. Is that so much to ask?
3. Speaking of trying to write and failing, I'm really struggling with a little project I'm working on. There's this thing called the Essay Book, or at least that's what I've been calling it, and I want to submit something to it. And on top of that, I'm head-over-heels about the topic I've chosen.
I want to talk about prayer, and college and prayer together, and learning to pray away from the church I'm used to and the Christian high school that reminded me to pray when I maybe wasn't doing the best job at it. I want to talk about falling in love with the Lord's Prayer, and silent prayer and angry prayer and teary prayer and is-this-really-a-prayer prayer, and all the prayers I know and love, that I wouldn't trade for the world. I know exactly what I want to write, but I'm struggling. To say the least, it's frustrating.
I have maybe half written, and the other half I fantasize about as I stare at the Word Document in front of me. I wouldn't call it writer's block, what I have. It seems more elusive than that. Maybe I just have too much time on my hands. But not anymore. It's due two weeks from today, and I'd like to have it done before I go to Florida on Wednesday. Fingers crossed.
So maybe this week's Messy Monday isn't so much about my messy faith. My life feels a little messy this week. Things are ending, and I've never been crazy about things ending. If I focus too much on the fact that somehow, June has flown by, another month of summer, of my life, my head spins. For the sake of my mind, my poor little overly-anxious mind, I can't focus too much on time. And so, after thoroughly working myself up over this, I write about it, because it's therapeutic, and because it's okay to admit that you and your life and your mind feel messy sometimes.
Peace be with you.